Hail Mary of Gold

Hail Mary, White Lily of the Glorious and always-serene Trinity.

Hail Brilliant Rose of the Garden of Heavenly delights: O you, by whom God wanted to be born and by whose milk the King of Heaven wanted to be nourished! Nourish our souls with effusions of Divine Grace. Amen!

The Blessed Virgin to St. Gertrude the Great.

The picture of Our Lady was drawn by a mystic in Italy. Her hand was guided by Our Lady.

'My thoughts,
quotations from my heart
written by the shadow
of my hands.'

'Your dark eyes
igniting the gales of Vivaldi
within my spirit
within my soul.'

'Crucified amongst the stars.'

'Living beautifully contradictions,
my sweet sadness,
tears wetting my heart,
my spirit silent in cold loneliness,
it's the heart of the desert,
bare necessities of the soul
in search of God
who is in search of Man.'

'Everything is quiet, everything is still, everything is waiting, the distance to disappear.'

'Love is a naked youth, wondering through the endless wilderness of birth and death.'

Allegory of a Shrine

Dark sensations

aroused

by gorgoyles who disguise

a mysterious beauty

espoused

to the gleaming light

emitted by a rose window

in the entrance of a shrine.

A shrine

jealously holding

the words of a child

fascinated by life,

words of a youth,

full of dreams and ideals,

words of a young adult,

coming to terms

with the crudeness of life,

words of a man,

tired and accomplished,

words of the aged

rich in wisdom and understanding,

words of the dead,

born on the other side.

Kneeling to God

to weep,

raped by the beliefs

of a society

unfaithful to the human soul.

Human Life

Beneath this sky

beneath these stars

so many people

lived and died.

Passers by

some have loved,

others fell

prey to lust.

World of escape,

illusive reality,

veiled, by

the reality of illusions.

Existential exile,

cloistered in the temple of ice,

cold winters

endless nights.

Living as the past

which someone wants to forget,

the future which someone desires,

the present, His love .

What was,

molds us to become,

what we are,

molds, what we'll be.

Blind folded we walk

heavy loaded we cross

dry deserts

and overwhelming seas

of a life which promises

but rarely gives.

Memoir of a Love

Cradle my being
with the gentle sound of your voice,
lift my spirit
with the breezy touch of your eyes
depicting my own story,
wording the history of a life
which was.

The sight of you
spears my body
gushing blood
from a wound
that never healed
from a love
that never seized.

The Monk

Lonely footsteps
of a youthful monk
echoing through the silent corridors
of an ancient monastery.
His robe
trailing in the dust
of antique wisdom
and novel thoughts.

Marked earth
by the monk's feet,
walking amongst
the cleanching need
of a love felt
on one's own skin
and not only in spirit.

Walking amidst
the wisdom of the mind
the desire of the heart
the cravings of the body
the longing of his soul.

Paying Another Visit

His dreams are my wings,
hope is the path on which I walk.
Through the night I travel,
beneath a million stars.

Seconds of bliss,
glimpses of light,
to continue the journey
through the night.

On mud I walk,
beneath the stars I pray,
in moonlight we dance,
at sunrise we run.

With wolves I walk,
beneath pines I wait,
for Him
to flood my being
with His love.

The Wondering Soul

Weaving dreams,
with the thread of passion,
of a spirit delivered
by wilderness,
enlightened, by Heaven
cast by the moon.

Wounded body
clothed in skin,
journeying in oblivion
on a path which ignites fear,
which even angels
leave.

Conceiving whispers of Heaven,
begetting, His awesome words
of a life always renewing itslef,
delivering light.

Madness - Without Him

Everything reflects,

On everything we project.

I try...

And I cry

And I shout

And I scream

And I stumble

And fall

On the floor

And I crawl

And I twitch

And I twirl

On dry land

And I search

And I dig

And I sow

And I grow

I lack breath

In distress

I'm feeling drained

I'm loosing track

Of my own steps,

Tearless weeping

Unvoiced cries

Unheard lamentations

Fill the sky.

Turned and twisted,

Trying to hold on to hope,

Faith has gone astray,

I'm stranded to my own self.

'Lacrime d'argento di luna piena illuminating my heart on this dark night.'

Out of the Closet – Gay Catholics

The gay community and the Catholic Church seem at the moment to be opposed to each other and with little hope of reconciliation. The feeling that a gay person cannot be a practicing Catholic while enjoying steady gay relationships is often felt. Some gay people themselves might feel that they have to choose between their own sexuality and Church membership – a choice imposed on their conscience. Is such imposition licit? Gay Catholics find themselves struggling with several issues like: must I confess as sin something that to my conscience is not sinful? Am I doing wrong in taking Communion? Is the law against sexual relationships outside of marriage applicable to me as a person who cannot contemplate heterosexual marriage? Can I never have the comfort from my Mother the Church that God loves me as I am and blesses me and my relationships and will not condemn me to hell? It is my opinion that very few realize the extent to which such questions torture and trouble the soul of a gay person.

I personally feel that both Church authorities and the gay community fall into the same trap. On many occasions the focus of the debate is Church Law. If the focus of the debate is shifted from Law to the Person of Jesus, than the struggle between the Church and the gay community may find some rest and reconciliation. The debate between the Church and the gay community should not merely be about Church Law but about Jesus: how He perceives gay people, how He lives in the love of gay relationships, for wherever there is love, there is God. So the Bible and the Catholic Church teach.

Focusing on Jesus means that the Catholic Church fulfills its God given duty to guide and nourish the faith of gay people as they pray and strive to approach Jesus Christ without fear and shame. Can a practicing gay person never have the peace and joy that Christ promises to those who are His and who love Him – in the Catholic Church? It is my opinion that Church Authorities need to offer more opportunities for gay people to meet Jesus and experience His love, healing, reconciliation and forgiveness rather than perpetuate feelings of fear and rejection. Church Authorities, whatever you do to the least of your brothers and sisters you are doing to your Lord.

The Catholic Church teaches that grace builds on nature. I ask the Church to consider our nature as gay people, and guide us as to how grace builds on that. I will not play the theologian, as I have my trusted Church authorities to do that. I am willing to obey my Lord who, I believe, wills that I be a faithful member of the Catholic Church. Will the Catholic Church reach out to me or am I to be forever an embarrassment and a problem for her?

The Lion of Judah

‘For my house will be called a house of prayer for all people.’

Is 56: 7

The present may be a reflection of the past. Values, cultures and tendencies are transmitted from generation to generation. On many occasions gay matters are discussed as an individual or an isolated phenomena. We rarely look at the history of gay men and women for example. Through an understanding of gay history, one could take a glimpse at where the roots of certain mentalities, attitudes and rules lie. Many times one hears the word ‘closet’ referring to gays and lesbians who conceal their sexual orientation because of society’s and religions’ prejudice and homophobia. History can give us an idea of what these ‘closets’ are made of. Thus from an abstract idea, the closet becomes a solid, three-dimensional reality constructed slowly, from year to year, person to person in the spaces of our cultures, traditions, religions and minds.

Up to the late 1960’s, gay men and women were persecuted by both the state and Church. Gay men and women were told who they were and what’s horribly wrong with them. Throughout history many were killed, imprisoned, publicly tortured, humiliated and abused. Others were forced into fearful silence and made to hide in order to avoid punishment, violence or ‘justified’ murder.

Up to this day we hear voices describing us, voices ‘diagnosing’ us, voices labelling us, voices that want to push us back into the closet, voices that want us back into fearful hiding, voices that dare to love us. It was only recently that gay men and women managed to find their own voice. Here in Malta it was even more recent that gay men and women started to publicly speak out.

Who is Saying What?

Both straight and gay people are used to listen to voices delivering various messages. Many times we simply accept these messages without questioning the message or the messenger, in an intelligent and mature way. For example, we rarely think about the content of the message or even-more-so about the messenger; about his or her real intentions! I believe that it is important for us listeners to ask some of the following questions. For example, in whose name is the messenger speaking? Whose message is she or he actually delivering? Is the message that I am hearing a message of God the Father; therefore good news for me and fellow brothers and sisters? Or that of satan; therefore a message of hate, destruction, isolation, division and fear?

Those of us Christians believe in Jesus Christ, our Creator, Saviour and source of Life. We also know about our common enemy. The enemy of Jesus, thus our own too. An enemy that hates us and desires our destruction. At this stage I shall clumsily attempt to distinguish between these two voices: Between the voice of the True Shepherd, the one who gave His life for all of us, and the voice of the liar, the one who desires our destruction and annihilation.

Jesus’ words brings our humanity to its full potential. Jesus speaks to us in whispers of love, life and salvation. His love brings us into the fullness of our own being, as humans. He brings into being the fullness of the person He so lovingly created. This fullness is brought about through our love-relationships with Him and those around us.

You created my inmost self,
knit me together in my mother’s womb.
For so many marvels I thank you;
a wonder am I, and all your works are wonders.

Ps 139: 13 - 14

On the other hand satan is our enemy and a liar. Satan’s plan is to transform us into monsters. Satan brings death, destruction, hate, isolation, despair and fear. Satan always wants to dehumanize human beings by striping our dignity and personhood off from us. Satan tries to place us into categories, removing our own individual personalities and character, even in the eyes of other human beings. It is easier for people to destroy, hate or harm groups and masses of people rather than a person whom one knows, understands and loves.

The holocaust is a clear example of such a phenomena. On November the 25th 2005, Pierre Seel died in Paris. Pierre Seel was the last gay survivor of Nazi camps. The film ‘Paragraph 175’ clearly depicts what hate does! Hate, which always comes from satan; Hate which can seduce Man because of its false promise of power and glorification for the perpetrator.

So far I tried to distinguish between the voices of Jesus and satan. Another sign that helps us distinguish between these two voices is the fruit produced! The questions to be asked at this point are: what kind of fruits are the words that I am hearing bearing? Is this message, bringing me the fruit of life or the fruit of death? Is it bringing me closer to my loving Creator and therefore to my fellow brothers and sisters? Is this message bearing the fruit of hope for humanity, or despair?

If the answer is life, than the messenger is delivering the message of the Life-giving God. On the other hand, if the message is one of fear, judgment, condemnation or dehumanization, the messenger is echoeing the voice of satan. He or she are consciously or unconsciously delivering satan’s message to the world. The above description may sound a little too simplistic. However this is the simple way to discern between the voices of Jesus and satan.

Catholicism as Persona

I am afraid that for a number of people Catholicism has become merely a Persona, as Jung explains it. It is just a mask to wear for the public eye. For many of us, Catholicism has still not managed to be integrated within our own being, within our own full person. That is a faith that penetrates our hearts and transforms them. I am afraid that many of us Maltese, who so far have defined ourselves as Catholics, are indeed in need of conversion, and an urgent one!

Domesticating the Lion of Judah?

I often get this feeling that we are still trying to domesticate Jesus Christ! Why do we still fail to learn and accept that the Lion of Judah is untamable? In two thousand years of Catholicism we failed to grasp and learn this basic lesson about Him! When are we going to learn that the Lion of Judah is still walking the streets amongst His people, amongst His little ones, amongst those who are broken, hurt and oppressed? Why are we still trying to keep the Lion of Judah safely locked in His tabernacle? Only to worship Him as long as He is silent, quite, well-behaved, obedient and tame? Why are we still trying to stop God to shepherd His own people Himself? When are we going to start living our relationship with our wild and loving Shepherd in all its fullness, beauty and adventure? When are we going to start living our relationship with God the Father as truly His children?

His wildness is exactly what I love about Him. An aspect of Him which delights me over and over again. This Man-God that no-one can ever tame! This Man-God, whom not even crucifixion could stop Him, not even death could tame Him! And He is alive and wild today, more than ever! This God of ours cannot be stopped, cannot be controlled!

The history of gay men and women was initially mentioned in this article. History also shows us that gay men and women cannot be tamed either. Notwithstanding criminal laws, abuse and persecution; notwithstanding society’s and religious’ desire to remove us from the face of the earth, gay men and women are always present and wild as ever. We too cannot be tamed! We are often criticized for our non-conformity but unless Religious Authorities learn to relate to us as full human beings, having a beautiful wild nature – God-given, we will remain on the confrontative with each other.

On the other hand I wish to propose to the gay community that we celebrate our own wildness within the wildness of Jesus Christ. Let us celebrate it with the Lion of Judah. With Him it’s dancing and singing, it’s praising and worshiping the real Man-God, it’s laughing and embracing, it’s loving and being loved, it’s wild and alive, it’s life!

Gay community we need to open the door for the Lion of Judah to step inside. When He steps in, an untamable adventure starts. Angels sing and Jesus speaks to our hearts. The Holy Spirit descends to transform us into the fullness of our own being and the real battle starts!

Only one move is needed from our side, that we surrender so that He, the Wild and powerful Lion of Judah can take us into an adventure too wild for us to ever possibly imagine.

A Note to Peter and the Gentiles: The Battle, The Kingdom, The Victory

Peter, at this point I wish to ask you to stop demonizing us gay men and women. May I humbly ask you to stop fighting us gay men and women and open your eyes to the real enemy: satan. Peter, we need to battle against satan, along side each other and not battle each other!

Fellow brothers and sisters gay men and women, please allow me to remind you that our real enemy is satan and not the Roman Catholic Church. It is satan who really hates us and desires our destruction. The reason is a simple one; Jesus loves us so much, He loves us in a very special way. Both of us Church and gay community need clarity of mind, to see who the real enemy is in our debates and to understand satan’s mechanisations and manipulations in our relationship with each other.

Dear gay community we need to fight along side Peter and stop fighting him. Notwithstanding his faults and sins! Notwithstanding his arrogance, deafness towards the gay community and hard-headedness.

We need to start actively participating in that same adventure that we are all part of, wanting it or not! We need to understand what is going on in this battle. We gay men and women are also needed in the field, we are needed to battle with Peter, so that together we battle against satan.

The Kingdom of God is amongst us and available for all. Who says otherwise is lying, like satan does. We are all children of God, dearly loved by Him. We all have a place in His – our Kingdom. We simply need to claim our place in this Kingdom of Love.

We gay men and women also need to remember that Jesus has already won for us too! He is already victorious over sin and death, over our sin and death too! Therefore, in Him we are victorious too. Gay men and women allow me to repeat myself, in Christ we are victorious too!

Church and gay community, lets stop looking at what divides us! Let’s look towards heaven, let’s gaze at each other, lets gaze together towards the Kingdom of God found in each other’s heart. I think this is the only way for us to build the Kingdom of God here on earth - the real one! Please remember that each and every human being has unique gifts. Rejecting one human being means rejecting part of the mystical body of Christ, a gift that no other person can bring back to us. Lets all remember this!

Yeshua in Our Midst

‘The joys and the hopes, the griefs and the anxieties of the people of this age, especially those who are poor or in any way afflicted, these are the joys and hopes, the griefs and anxieties of the followers of Christ.’

Gaudium et Spes

These are the opening lines of the document of Vatican Council II, Gadium et Spes – The Church in the Modern World. Words full of love, compassion and understanding. Words impregnated with hope, but is the Church delivering this hope to the gay community or is she aborting it?

The ban recently issued on the ordination of gay priests created a lot of mixed feelings and reactions around the world. Unfortunately, once again the Church came across more of a monster rather than a loving mother towards the gay community.

I personally ask where is the work of the Holy Spirit in all this? At the same time I also ask myself, if this is the work of the Holy Spirit why is it proclaimed in such painful tones? Does the Church have a problem to follow and interpret the living spirit of God or does she have a problem in her use of language? Does the Church have a problem with expressing herself? Is she saying good things but in a horrible way - a language that cannot be understood by lay people? Or, am I understanding what the Church is saying in the right way and in fact she intends to spread horrible news? Let me give an example to highlight my point. The Archbishop of Manila, Archbishop Gaudencio Rosales for example said:

“The Church is very clear on this issue. We do not condemn the person. What we are saying is that priesthood is not the vocation for gay people. It is not condemnatory because some are born like that. Some people might think negatively, but the church is thinking big. It is after what is good for the majority”.

Please do help me to understand! Please do help me on this one! Where is the love of Jesus Christ in these words? Can anyone show me where there is hope, love and life in these words?

Church please allow me to have a little bit of personal thinking-aloud session. As a gay man I cannot marry or rather I cannot enter a union with another man, as a gay man the possibility of priesthood and monk is also banned for me now. Church, what can be a life giving future to me? At face value it seems like you are telling me that if I am gay, I might as well curl up and die! Church, can you please stop telling us gay men and women what we cannot have only! Church, can you please start telling us what we can have as well? Can you also start ministering to us in a real and concrete way? Can you start telling us how we can have life in Jesus Christ and grace that builds on our nature as gay people? Can you Church help us find that place within your folds where we can live our lives and our loves? Where we can feel blessed? Can both of you, Church and gay activists change the tone when talking about each other?

Jesus, the lover of humanity uses love and life-giving language. He enters dialogue with us and He deals with all issues firmly but lovingly. I hear Him say to us in Isaiah 1: 10:

‘Come, let us talk this over,’ says Yahweh

Also, in Jeremiah 29: 11,

‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’

Moreover doesn’t St. Paul in his first letter to the Corinthians say

‘The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin comes from the Law. Thank God, then, for giving us the victory through Jesus Christ our Lord’.

1 Co 15: 56 – 57

Dear Mother Church, I don’t want to rebel against you, I do not want to leave you, I love you, but Mother I do not hear you speak in a loving way to us gay men and women. I am sorry to tell you this but when you speak of gay men and women I do not hear your voice echoing the words of the gospel. Sorry for my presumption but ‘I am eaten up with zeal for your house’ – John 2: 17.

Mother Church allow me please to remind you of St. Aelred of Rievaulx and St. Joan of Arc. St. Aelred, the patron saint of integrity, who it appears was a gay man as suggested by John Boswell. In his beautiful writings and theology we can clearly identify his homoerotic orientation - a celibate monk who loved his friends and elaborated upon the theology of friendship. He is also the Catholic proof that gay men and women can relate in a correct way to men and women Moreover he openly writes and expresses his love for his beloved Ivo and also his dear Simon. Reading these passages leaves no doubt to the debt of pure and holy love that Aelred had for these two men. St. Aelred please pray for us, that the Church and the gay community may find common ground, that they may find integrity. That the two may also become one.

I also would like to mention St. Joan of Arc. I do not want to speculate that Joan of Arc was lesbian however please allow me to remind you that one of the accusations that were put against her, and which eventually led to her condemnation to death was for monstrous dress (difformitate habitus) that she used to wear!

Why am I mentioning these two saints? I am mentioning them as these are two great saints of the Universal Roman Catholic Church who may remind the Church that Holiness is available to all. That Jesus Christ is available to all and loves all. That it is Him who chooses people to become priests, monks…Saints. That it is Him who calls. That the Church needs to follow Him and not make rules for Him to follow!

I pray that the Roman Catholic Church and Gay Activists can enter into healthy dialogue with each other and stop themselves from mere confrontation. Unless the two become familiar with each other, unless the two get to know each other lovingly, a way will not be found. I pray that this dialogue will help both to find that place where rainbow’s touch earth’. Jesus in John 14: 2 says:

‘In my Father’s house there are many places to live in; otherwise I would have told you.’

Jesus assures us of a place for us in heaven. Mother Church, are you helping us to reach this place? In what ways are you doing this? Can we together enter healthy dialogue, in Jesus Christ? Can we pray together to the Holy Spirit so that He can guide us to find this place? Can we together ask Him to help us find this place on earth, this place that can give gay men and women eternal hope?

I am often told that I am a dreamer, an idealist but please allow me to be! Allow me to spread my wings for a moment. Gay men and women, I want to speak to your hearts. Please, stop for a second, stay silent. Stop listening to the voices that bring hurt, pain, rejection, fear and judgment. Just listen to your heart beat. Listen to your heart. Listen! In our hearts we can find peace, in our hearts we can experience Jesus’ love, in our hearts we can find the answers, those given to us by the Holy Spirit.

Dear Gay men and women, our hearts are Jesus-given. They are our source of life. All that is found in our hearts is a gift from Jesus. The desire in our hearts is Jesus-given too. Please let us all return to our hearts. Let us all return to love. Let us all return to Jesus and enter into healthy dialogue with Him, in our hearts. Let us all allow Jesus to love us, embrace us, give us peace, give us love and life.

Please, Church and gay activists remember that in all this noise about gay issues there is the Silent Crucified One whispering words of life, love and salvation for all of us.

I love the song ‘Someday I’ll Fly Away’ sang by Nicole Kidman in the film Moulin Rouge. It says ‘One day I’ll fly away, leave all this to yesterday’…and sometimes when I hear the Ecclesiastical Church speak to me as a gay man, my gay soul yearns to fly away from all this. I wonder if this yearning is not merely personal but also collective.

A Macho’s Embrace

“Open your hearts to me, come close. Say in a loud voice your intentions and your prayers.”

Messages of Our Lady in Medjugorje, July 20, 1984

History, shaped by Man’s desire and struggle for power, is a clear indication of the destruction and misery brought about by such domination. This kind of lust is rarely mentioned, a destructive lust crushing many human lives, and sometimes whole nations too. Often we hear the powerful people of this earth (be they religious or political), pronounce judgment or condemnation towards ‘others’, usually groups already marginalized by society itself. Often, such condemnations bring despair to those judged. Judgment always clouds the love and mercy of the Living God.

The Bishop of Memphis, Bishop J. Terry Steib, S.V.D. in his letter ‘Church is home to all people of God’ says: ‘a brief look at history from slavery to the "march of tears" of our Native American sisters and brothers to the grape strikes in California reminds us that God's work is always hampered when human beings are afraid of differences in each other’. Later, he goes on to say: ‘The message of Jesus is clear: "Love one another as I have loved you." In my frequent meetings with gay and lesbian Catholics, I have often told them that God does not withhold love from any of us and I believe that wholeheartedly. God's love is unconditional and that is the gift God offers us in Christ Jesus: the gift of loving each other with that same Godly and unconditional love.’

Over these past few decades, society has witnessed a tremendous shift. Gay men and women are more visible in society, our rights recognized and protected by legislation. Recently, more countries are introducing civil laws recognizing marriage between gay couples too. Women’s rights for equality became the norm, at least from a legislative point of view. So many other rights and laws, protecting and bringing to the same level marginalized groups previously outcast, ignored or downtrodden without any second thoughts. Are these shifts throwing some straight white men in crisis? Is masculinity in crisis? Are some heterosexual white men in crisis, since Manhood is not automatically bringing the dominance and power within the social, political and religious realms anymore, as in the ‘good old days’? Often it appears that these melancholic voices are crying out, claiming how good it used to be! One can hear these voices in our country too! It is obvious that some want to cling and bring to life an old idea of masculinity expressed in a system of an old ‘macho-ness’, an old patriarchal structure to order, religion and society. It is sad to note that in promoting such old traditional religious or political beliefs there is a forgetfulness of the bloodstains that such beliefs carry. The bloodstains left after domination, control and power have been way too many.

Unfortunately, throughout history, men have misused their masculine power, in both the religious and political realms; many became arrogant in their powerful roles, abused and harmed individuals, groups and whole nations. Such abuse often brings about revolutions, as happened in many countries throughout history. Notwithstanding all this, do we want to do away with straight white men? Do we want to do away with masculinity and what I like to refer to as ‘macho-ness’? I do hope not!

Probably, most of you reading this article will think that this is another article against patriarchy! This is not the point I would like to make. At this stage, I would like to take a different route. May I dare propose: Let us embrace macho-ness and let us celebrate masculinity, masculine power, dominance, and patriarchy! However, please let us embrace masculinity and macho-ness that are not abusive, destructively domineering or overpowering.

If macho-ness is the result of man’s insecurity or need to prove one’s own masculinity then, please, no! We do not need more of that. I believe that today’s society needs a macho-ness that stems out of real masculine strength and power- a macho-ness that defends the weak, tends a hand to those in need, and shows its strength in confronting the powerful and not the weak.

I hope that today’s ‘masculine’ men live up to their masculinity in defending those who are in need of protection rather than oppressing them. I pray that ‘masculine’ men do not oppress or exploit the weak as a proof of their masculinity for their own sake and that of their friends.

As a Catholic person, my God and Lord is Jesus the Nazarene – A Man who fascinates me over and over again. At this point I ask myself: was Jesus Masculine? Did he express His masculine power and dominance? Got to this point, I would like use the story of the woman caught in the act of adultery as a clear example. This ‘little’ woman was dragged in front of Him for judgment (possibly naked), caught in the very act of adultery to be eventually stoned to death.

Now, can you take a glimpse of the ‘lustful macho-ness’ present in this scene, thousands of years ago? Can you see the masculine destructive power bonding men together in the very act of ‘justified’ murder? Now, if Jesus was some insecure man in need of proving His own masculinity to fellow men, He surely would have joined the mob, passed His judgment in an ostentatious tone and stoned the woman to death. The woman would be dead– who was she anyway? No one gave her much importance, and was probably regarded as insignificant and superfluous by her community anyway! Her death would have only served to bond the men in their macho-ness, displays of power and approval towards each other’s judgement.

A destructive macho-ness demands more and more murders, a masculinity craving incessant approval and proof. However, how did Jesus behave? Jesus, the real Man, the One who has real strength and masculine power steps out of this trap. He confronts all the men present. He steps out to protect the adulterous woman; he gives her importance, a person most probably abused throughout her whole life by this kind of machismo. He fearlessly confronts the weak-powerful men and protects this little woman. Now I believe, this is what real masculine power is all about, a power worth reflecting upon, to long for, desire and celebrate. This is masculine strength stemming out of love!

The world is so hungry for this strong love. How often do we find ourselves caught in the trap of ‘doing the right thing’ but in the wrong sprit! Maybe out of our own neediness for approval and acceptance and not out of the spirit of love! When this happens it all goes haywire!

Sometimes we might find ourselves impressed by people claiming to be religious and wanting to defend faith, nation and values… ooh very macho! What kind of macho-ness are we talking about here? In what spirit are these people preaching? Is it some personal crisis of masculinity that demands the oppression and abuse of marginalized groups as a proof? I feel that we should rather be talking about a strength stemming out of love: The love of God for all of His children, all equal in His eyes!

If the result of ‘religious’ talk is greater love towards others, especially towards those hated by society, then the preacher is someone who is worshipping the living-God. On the other hand, if religious beliefs are leading someone to propagate sentiments of hatred, lusting for power and instigating the desire for the oppression of others or their destruction, then something is indeed very wrong here. Are these words coming out of a spirit of a fake religiosity, an idolatrous worship? Maybe a worship of the idolized self, be it individual or national?

Macho-ness as a response to a weak masculinity, hiding behind religious beliefs; a space where only the strong can survive. A mentality that may nicely fit lizards but I hope humanity is capable of much more than that. May we discover a Christianity that listens more to the voice of our Lord, the Living God in the silence of our hearts. May we participate within a Roman Catholicism that celebrates the life-giving Jesus Christ and not promote a neurotic religiosity that propagates fear, judgment, condemnation and oppression!

Jesus to Sr. Faustina says: ‘I perform works of mercy in every soul. The greater the sinner, the greater the right he has to my mercy. My mercy is confirmed in every work of My hands. He who trusts in My mercy will not perish, for all his affairs are Mine, and his enemies will be shattered at the base of My footstool.’ I love reading and hearing these words of mercy, His words of mercy, His life-giving words! Where is the judgment here?

The shepherd says: I pity the one who draws herself back from my love,
and does not seek the joy of my presence,
though my heart is an open wound with love for her.

St. John of the Cross

The Joy of Being

Idolatry, when we adore something or someone other than the real, living God. Often times we fall into this trap. We also tend to fall into the trap of demanding idolatrous worship from those who follow or listen to us. Both lead to the same end: death. When a system, religious or political, becomes god, an absolute or an end in itself, it becomes an idol. This idol demands the sacrifice of an enemy - be it real or imagined, for its survival and glorification. I observed that this dynamic exists within the Roman Catholic Church’s official stance on the gay issue. Gay activists too fall into the dynamic with regard to the Catholic Church. It is the idolatrous dynamic that reigns within extreme political or religious fundamentalists and their imagined or created enemies.

Such dynamics make us lose focus. To refocus, for all of us we have the sharp and clear words: “You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the greatest commandment. The second resembles it - you must love your neighbour as yourself. On these two hang the whole Law and the Prophets too.” (Matthew 22: 37 – 40). Often times, and sadly so, it feels that the meaning of being Catholic has been reduced to being nice to each other, attending Sunday mass and not having sex, unless one is married! I will not debate these Christian truths, however I would like to point towards a greater and richer Christian reality. Unfortunately, various groups and leaders portray the Church as more concerned about the domestication of ‘wild’ human beings rather than the outpouring of the Holy Spirit to these groups – sacramentalisation rather than evangelization. Such groups seem to be more concerned about their own fear, insecurities and neediness to cling to what is known rather than to step out in faith - into the living-God.

But than I read: ‘the wind blows where it pleases; you can hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.’ (John 3: 8). I ask myself; what went wrong with most of us Catholics? If this is the Spirit which makes us who we are – Catholics, why are we so stringent about trying to make people submit, obey and conform rather than laboring in the Creative Living Sprit of Jesus Christ? Also, why do we give so much importance to certain laws and their interpretation while ignoring others because it is convenient to do so? St. Paul is often quoted as condemning homosexuality in Romans 1: 26–27. Oddly enough though, such a condemnation is ignored in 1 Corinthians 14: 34 and in 1 Timothy 2: 12. How come? Could someone explain please? Moreover, if the argument about such a condemnation being culture-bound holds true can we not say that culture has moved on since Roman times, especially with the knowledge of psychology?

Jesus’ love brings healing, salvation, forgiveness, reconciliation - life. Are not these gifts freely and lavishly given to all sinners by Him - sinners who are Ecclesiastical authorities, sinners who are practicing Catholics, sinners who have left the Roman Catholic Church, sinners who are straight, sinners who are gay, sinners who are religious and sinners who are lay people. Why are gay sinners made to feel as though they are in a special sinful category within the Roman Catholic Church? In what way are gay sinners different to all other sinners?

In past centuries, the Roman Catholic Church may have seemed more of a hoarder, concerned about collecting human beings while dominating cultures and nations, rather than spreading the true gospel - the good news for all humanity.

The Church herself asked pardon for these past mistakes. But I ask myself, are we falling into the same age-old traps today? Have we changed and allowed the Holy Spirit to transform us? Are we spreading the good news to all of\r\nhumanity? Are we laboring to spread the loving word of the living-God to all creation, or focusing on the idolatry of domination and control and the creation of ‘enemies’ again? Why is not the Catholic Church laboring to minister to the gay community, to bring the Holy Spirit to it in the love and command of Jesus Christ? On paper, the Catholic Church says that it wishes to minister to gay people. Catholic gays do not see theory reaching down into practice.

On the other hand I feel that the gay community needs to watch out too. Sometimes I am afraid that the gay community is also trapped in reactive feelings towards some attitudes of the Church. I do believe that the gay community needs to learn how to delve deeper into the riches of the Catholic faith. The Catholic faith is so much more than mere laws – about sexuality and other. It is superficial, dangerous and wrong from the gay side to stop at that level of prejudice, for we will lose the message along with the messenger. Jesus bound the message with the messenger. We cannot do away with the messenger, much as it seems the only way out. We must find ways of living the message while loving the messenger and waiting patiently.

I feel that rather than stepping out abandoning faith, gay men and women need to search further into the truths and riches of the Church. We need to learn to have a wider perspective. We need to learn how to get spiritual nourishment from the Church, even though it might be painful for both parties. What about the gay community forgiving the Church? If we truly wish to follow Jesus, we must be the first to forgive – forgive the Church for all the hurt which she causes to so many of us, intentionally or unintentionally, real or imagined. The Church seems to be going through a time where she is very much in need of such forgiveness. The gay community is in need of reconciliation with her, especially here in Malta.

Allow me to take this further. I also think that the world is so much in need of the charism of Love that gay persons have been endowed with by the Holy Spirit. We must not forget our obligation towards such a gift in our polemics. Creation needs our care, our love, our sensitivity and gentle caress and the Lord is providing for his world and his Church through the charism of love that he has given to us gays. I am afraid that sometimes gay people, on a collective level, tend to focus too much on gay issues. It is true that we need to address these, but we also need to look more around us, towards others who are also suffering, towards others who are even more marginalized than us, and who are being crushed by society. We need to let ourselves be moved by suffering Creation that humanity is crushing.

Many of us, on an individual level labor so much in these social and charitable sectors as well as in the caring professions and environmental organizations, Church organizations, NGO’s and all sorts of professions. But we do not do this as an organized body! I hope to see more LGBT organizations which, while remaining active with regards to gay issues, organize their members into working for other people too, for other marginalized groups, for environmental causes and others. I personally feel that gay men and women have so much love to give to the world, a world which is so love-starved. I hear Jesus on the Cross say “I thirst”. This thirst is also for gay men and women, a thirst for love - love calls to love. May gay men and women start feeling loved by Jesus, the Church and society. May they carry on giving love to the world and to all humanity.

I hear Jesus on the Cross say “I thirst”. This thirst is also for gay men and women, a thirst for love - love calls to love. May gay men and women start feeling loved by Jesus, the Church and society. May they carry on giving love to the world and to all humanity.

“My love lifts up his voice,
He says to me,

'Come then, my beloved,

My lovely one, come.

For see, winter is part,

The rains are over and gone."

Sg 2: 10 -11

Where Rainbows Touch Earth

The Roman Catholic Church seems to have lost its popularity over the past decades, especially amongst us Europeans. It is so saddening to witness so many renouncing their spiritual foundations or even despising their Christian roots. For those who chose to remain practicing Catholics, it must be a very difficult decision, given that the Church they belong to at times gives conflicting messages. It preaches the Gospel, the Good News and at the same time deals out the most horrible news to so many of its own – gays, for example. I fear that many who choose to remain practicing Roman Catholics either choose to live lives of sexual frustration, or else live as hypocrites. The strongest reprimands of Our Lord in the Gospels were hurled at the hypocrites! Nothing that is covered over will remain disclosed, He said. All will be uncovered. This is guaranteed by the Gospel, the Good News.

Rather than cutting parts away, I wish that my Church would concentrate on gifting gay men and women with the Holy Spirit. I desire that my Church would give the LGBT community the Good News that the gifts of love, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit are readily available for this community too. It seems to me that a part of the gay community keeps on knocking at the Church's door, sometimes gently, often times strongly and angrily. Jesus taught us through his ‘prayer’ parables that persistence wins in the end. I wish that the Church would recall these teachings by her Master when dealing with the gay community that still looks to her for their life in Christ. Is it not yet the time that gay Catholics would receive their inheritance? What is done to the least one is done to Jesus. I think that gay Catholics are among the least ones, at the moment. You might scoff at my calling gay men and women the least in the Church today. Who are the little ones if not those who bear the brunt of social prejudice, just as the widow and the orphan of the Old Testament or the public sinner at the time of Jesus? I strongly feel that we gay men and women are among those who are the little ones of today: scorned by many in the Church and in society. John Paul II asked for pardon for what the Church did to the little ones of its past.

A very common phenomenon is that we JUDGE WHAT WE DO NOT KNOW. A quick read of history will supply plentiful examples of this universal truth. People judge what they do not understand. Remember the witch hunts of old? Remember the torture perpetrated in the mad-houses of by gone days? What about the wonton destruction of ancient cultures around the world by European and 'Christian' imperialism? We judge what we do not understand. We have always and everywhere done this. I feel that this attitude is being repeated with us gay men and women. It is clear that the ecclesiastical authorities do not understand, nor try to understand the situation of gay people. It is easy to judge. It is said that those who are ignorant of history are bound to repeat it. I am led to conclude from what I see that even those who know history very well keep on repeating it.

I have been observing what baptized gays like me are doing. I note that not only is there a mass exodus from the Church, there is also spiritual starvation among so many of us. Many of us have given up even on prayer. Not having access any more to the nourishment that 'Mother' Church has from Jesus, many of us have forgotten how to feed themselves spiritually. Mother has turned Monster to many of our community. She has become negligent with the gay community of her duty to defend, teach, love and nourish her children. Mother Church please realize that many of your children are starving spiritually! How is Jesus going to minister to me and others like me today? Just labeling a social truth 'a problem' and then cutting it away will not wipe it out. It is simply a parallel to common and very harmful psychological suppression of the undesirable: push it down or push it out, and try to forget it, and believe that eventually it will just go away. But we are here to stay! Read the slogans at our marches – we refuse to allow ourselves to be suppressed any longer. We do this for our own sanity and that of the Church herself.

I personally feel that the best minds of the Church need to study what it means to follow one's conscience. A modern study is needed of the foundations on which Ecclesiastical law and practice are based. What is 'natural law'? What are the philosophical foundations that Ecclesiastical thinking and theology are based on today? Is this inquiry going on, or are these minds, like us gays, being cut away? How many branches can the vine afford to cut away and still have some branches left to produce some fruit for the Master?

I think fear is the key. There is so much of it around: the Church fears gays; gays themselves might fear judgment and condemnation by the Church and by God; priests fear that other priests are gays and gay priests fear being caught out; bishops fear that their seminaries have too many gay candidates and people fear that gays are like an epidemic for which some medication will one day be discovered. We judge what we do not understand. We judge it because we fear it. Can we try to understand homosexuality? Can we withhold judgment before we can truly begin to understand?

May my Lord call His Church to plenty once again! May He bring her children back to her from all the corners of the earth! I pray that my Church opens up its immense treasuries of grace, healing, guidance and forgiveness to all of the gay community who wish to come to her and to those who live in exile from her. Will the Lord hear my prayer? Will this prayer be said at Mass along with the prayers of the faithful? This is a prayer of a faithful.

The rainbow is our symbol. In Genesis, we read how it is a sign established by God of a promise he made never to choose to destroy human life. What a wonderful and multicolored signature God has! And he used the sky to sign on! My God has written a promise to me and signed it in rainbow colors up there on the sky so that no one can reach up and erase it. My God wills to save me and never to flush me out. I love rainy days – they bring the promise of rainbows with them.

Rainbows are proud, like gay pride. Pride is an ambiguous term. It might mean arrogance or haughtiness or else it is as when a father tells his son: "Son, I'm so proud of you" – just as the Rainbow Father God spoke from the clouds when Jesus was baptized. Genuine gay pride speaks of this second understanding of the word, though gays are sinners too – in which case they fall into the first meaning of the word. Our rainbows bring to my mind Father God at my baptism looking down at me and stating once again "This is my beloved son of whom I am so proud!" and in response, just as what one feels when looking up at the wondrous arc of the rainbow, our heart leaps up to celebrate creation, the work of art of God. Gay men and women are also God's work of art, created by him for the works that he pre-established for us – as we read in Ephesians 2.

Our beautiful rainbow is also a bridge – for the spirit. It bridges earth, heaven and earth again. It is a bridge from heaven and that is blessed by heaven – a bridge between one spot of earth and another, between one type of person and another, between gays and straight people, between the gay community and the Catholic community … Just imagine!

Which one of the two meanings of pride is found within judgment? We judge what we do not understand. Is this the pride of Father God or of a Mother in her homosexual sons and daughters, or is it the haughtiness of condemnation? Where is the sin? Is it found in the sexual expression of a real and life-giving relationship between two human beings or is it the self-righteous pride of those who choose not to love and to judge instead? Where is the sin? Are my non-gay brothers and sisters in the Church being taught how to love or how to judge? What of pride here? I think, speaking reasonably, I will have to spend many a dreamy winter looking out for rainbows before these hard questions might be answered.

Maybe at the end of the gay rainbow we might find the proverbial pot of gold – the gold of Christian charity.

Lord hear our prayer

Love and Hostility

Jesus, the Church and the Gay Community

The bickering between the gay community and Catholic Church authorities seems to be an unending story. Malta is also struggling with these issues, like several other countries across the world. It is obvious that no sacramental marriage is possible with the blessing of the Church. The problem then shifts to the social sphere: should state recognized marriage be allowed for gay and lesbian couples? Is it morally acceptable for Catholic gays and lesbians to seek civil marriage if their mental health, growth and stability call for such?

The Malta Gay Rights Movement is bringing this issue to the forefront on the island. The issue in question is surely not easy to tackle. I personally feel that trying to debate with Church authorities or expecting that the Church changes its position on gay marriage is an impossible task and would also be unfair to ask of the Church. For those who are Catholic, sacramental marriage can exist only as a lifelong commitment between a man and a woman which is open to procreation. This definition of marriage with its Scriptural and Doctrinal foundations cannot change.

The problem that arises is: what happens to those people who do not fit in this way of life? What of those who wish to be Catholics but require the stability of a homosexual partnership? The initial problem that I perceive is that usually the gay community and the Church seem to clash, at least in public debate. Conflict and hostility seem to be the feeling between the two. Such hostility may cloud the real issues at the heart of the matter. The hurt, anxious and flesh-and-blood person gets lost in the muddle of arguments and counter arguments. Who is going to care for the person, who happens to be gay? Who among those who have the commissioning from Christ to pasture the flock is going to shoulder the responsibility of nourishing this forlorn part of Christ’s followers? Who in authority is going to legislate laws that give life and hope to gay people, rather than further burdening them with such heavy moral loads that maybe the legislators themselves are loathe to touch even with their little finger? The authorities of the Church do not fulfill their Lord’s command when they fail to pasture a part of the flock – even if an uncomfortable and difficult part of the flock of Christ.

Homosexual people are feeling the need to demand inclusion both in society and in the Catholic Church. Unfortunately some representatives (not all) of the Church speak too much about what is unacceptable for the Church and thus perpetuate the feelings of rejection that some gay people might experience. What is acceptable and life giving? What will give gay persons hope? Are gay Catholics barred from the graces promised by Christ: peace, joy, life in abundance? How are they to attain them when their psychosexual stability, integrity and growth require an honest and sincere commitment within a stable homosexual relationship that is considered to be mortally sinful by the Church?

I feel that both parties need to focus on common ground where they might approach one another. What we are talking about here is not merely Church Law but Jesus: how He perceives gay people, how He sees gay unions and what is acceptable to Him or not. I think that the question that many gay men and women struggle with is how Jesus sees all this, what is really sinful and what is not? How to live a life which is acceptable to God?

What might constitute common ground for the Church and the Gay Community? Love that builds a human being (whoever it is) is the common interest of Jesus and His Church as well as gay persons. We cannot debate with the Church and merely speak about its laws. The deeper yearning of each and every one of us is love, love that comes from God, love that comes from human beings, love that comes from the environment and all creation which surrounds us. Another deep need that we all experience is the need to give love, to God, human beings and creation. How are gay persons to survive and live loving lives when their only known way to love is homosexually animated?

A reading of the Gospels shows clearly that Jesus purposely went against all the prejudices that plagued Society of his time: He touched lepers; healed the servant of the pagan Centurion; honored women and children; had tax-collectors and ex-prostitutes among his chosen followers; gave pre-eminence to the poor and uneducated. Did Jesus exclude anyone in His ministry? Jesus’ love is unconditional and reaches far deeper than any human being can comprehend. Would this same Jesus not love gay people and remove the social stigma they carry? Of all the stigmatized subgroups in Society freed by Jesus and Christianity would the gay subgroup be left out, and under which pretext?

Necessity does not have laws – the old adage goes. Gays often have the emotional and psychosexual necessity to enter into a union that is recognized and blessed by Society (and the Ecclesial Society too). Why does the Catholic Church fall into inconsistency with itself when teaching that the Old Testament way of seeing Law has been overcome by Christ and Christianity, while continuing to hand down a law that prohibits gay unions? Church laws follow Christ’s promise to give us life and life to the full. They are not just arbitrary rules that we must follow or be punished by hell; nor are they outdates rules that keep on passing down from one generation to the next and remain in vigor even when their necessity and meaning are long passed. Jesus energetically criticized the Pharisees for continuing to minutely follow outmoded and outdated laws that had become meaningless but had continued to be handed down from generation to generation. Is this prohibition of stable gay unions not also an outmoded rule handed down within the Church over the generations that is now imposed meaninglessly upon gay men and women who long to follow Christ in the Catholic Church? Has not, our vastly improved understanding of sexuality and psychology not rendered this rule useless, meaningless and cruel?

I believe it is deeply sinful of a gay person not to be responsible for his or her mental health, growth and well-being. It is a grave sin of irresponsibility. How, in conscience, can a Catholic gay person who is crumbling under the guilt and fear of expressing his homosexual love continue to sit back and watch his personality disintegrate before his very eyes and still do nothing?

Every relationship is a unique and great opportunity to grow in grace. Grace builds on nature. Gay person’s nature is homosexual. How is grace to build on this nature? Homosexuals are not only attracted sexually to persons of their same sex, but their whole thinking and being are intrinsically homo. So it is not a matter of abstinence from sex. It is not possible for a homosexual to live outside of his homo-orientation in all of his dealings and being. Grace must penetrate persons at all levels of their being. An example of this is the understanding of “conversion” – which is not a mere change of some item in a person’s life, but a radical overall change of mind. How then is grace to vivify gay personalities and transform them into fully loving persons? Is the only way a change of sexuality? Grace does not seem to work this way. Now if homosexuality will continue to be seen as a chronic condition of sin or disease, how will the Church develop a meaningful theology of grace for the homosexual person? Gay Catholic people long for grace. Gay Catholic people cannot be asked to step out of their skin into heterosexuality. So how are Gay Catholic people to enjoy the gift of Christ, grace, love? The Church’s stand that homosexual acts should be relegated to a benign confessional is pathetic and blind to the deep meaning of sexuality and grace.

Civil Society too has a duty to protect and promote the life of all of its citizens: their legal rights, property, safety and health. The Church often calls societies to task over neglect within the competencies and duties of the State. The Church needs to be on the side of homosexual persons so that the State will not neglect them, their needs, their rights, property, inheritance, safety, etc. The Church takes preferential options in favor of the poor and marginalized. Let the Church make a preferential option for the marginalized gay community, and thus remain consistent with the role it has assumed within Society. Will the Church include gay people, give gay people Christ’s promises and defend gay men and women in Society?